Surviving the adolescence of children is a challenge for most parents. When children become teens, the caring child who wanted to be with their parents and liked parental attention vanishes and the parent is left wondering where that child went. Sometimes there is a sadness that happens for parents as they mourn the loss of their adoring fun child. Puzzlement also happens as parents do the same caring behaviors but find themselves rebuffed and shut out. Parental concern may also increase as their teenager spends more time in their room or talks less to family and more to their friends. Having a 16-year-old driver on the road is a relief in some ways (no more chauffeuring) but a worry in others.

As their teenager gets older, parents must learn to let go, yet they still have the financial responsibility. Having a child half in, half out of the nest is a difficult quandary for parents. Often they don’t know when or what to let go of and what to take control of. Even finding ways to have control and to be treated courteously are challenges. Sometimes teens want to talk, other times they don’t. It is very confusing for the parent who cares. Letting go of the child that parents have protected, guarded and nurtured is difficult because over the years of childrearing parenting taking charge has become so habitual.

But letting go appropriately is what the teenage parenting experience is about. Parents must learn how to conserve their energy for the major battles—drugs, sex and alcohol, and be able to brush off the small stuff like the trashy room. Defining what is the small stuff and learning how to support each other as parents sometimes challenges couples. Frequently parents have differing ideas on boundaries and how to set them. Such differences can place great stress on the marriage during adolescence because parents really need the encouragement of each other during this time.

Autocratic parenting, where children have no rights, no longer works. Parents must learn to parent consistently with a system that provides appropriate choices and does not turn over their teen completely to the teen peer group. To strengthen parenting skills look for a class on parenting. A parenting class will provide insight, solutions and reassurance.